Things

I have been observing people and watching the things that others go through. I also have seen many sites and families who have talked about others who have many things in their lives that just plain suck. Seeing all this I think no matter how horrible I think things can be in my families life I am better off than a lot of people. I am not just talking about in one area or another. life as a whole. I realized that life is what you make of it your happiness doesn't depend on what you have but depends on how you use them. It reminds of the song lyrics "it's not what you want its wanting what you have." Remember happiness is what you make of what you have.

When will things get normal?

As you can tell from the title things aren't what we were expecting this New Year. Just a month ago we were fully expectin that we would be done with all this crap. But I guess that just shows life is full of the unexpected. Paula's regular oncologist saw on here last scan some things in the brain membrane that she didn't like so they did some more tests and found that she does have some atypical cells in here spinal fluid. She didn't want to start anything until after she had talked with Paula's neuro oncologist which we met with today and he stated there is new growth in her brain. He did say they plan on doing radiation on it but as for the other crap he wants to take it to the tumor board and see what everyone else thinks should be done.
I also have had a realization about my voluntary demotion in the New jail Sgt's are going to have their schedules more restrictive and not a lot of leniency such as being able to break away without any issues. I thought when I did I was doing it more for the kids being able to spend more time with them at night and have a "normal" life but the more we find out about Paula and what possible treatments there can be I think that the move was inspired no I know it was inspired. I will be able to adjust my schedule to fit her schedule. It has helped me relearn we aren't always in control Heavenly Father helps even when we don't ask or expect it.

Changes in life

Well I wanted to write this out so those of you who read will understand thing better. I have been a Sgt for over five years and have loved it however when I promoted to be a sgt I missed having those "banker" hours. Every time a position came open in the courts I would debate giving my position up but didn't. As time has gone on I have prayed and thought about doing this. With the new jail opening and several new positions there that meet what I want. I have spoken with people about it and discussed it fairly in depth with Paula. And we both felt comfortable with the decision. So with that said I gave up my sgt position so I can get a position that I desire. I will be able to spend more time with the kids and be able to make it to their events and activities something that I don't always get to do. I am comfortable in my decision.

new updates

I am going to give you an update on Paula. She has been feeling ill for a while nausea and headaches sinus issues so I thought she just Had the flu. She kept telling me it wasn't the flu, but my mind kept thinking she just got scans and tests and everything was OK so I thought it couldn't be anything else. It started getting really bad so she got an appointment at Huntsman and went in last Thursday. The doctor agreed with her and ordered some new scans. He called us Friday morning and explained that the tumors in her brain had gotten bigger and they were going to get us into her brain doctors. The appointment was yesterday. We were able to look at the scans from last week and the ones from before and saw that the tumors definitely had grown. The brain doctors said that wasn't the biggest the concern it was the swelling in the brain. and they showed us those scans and basically it showed that half of her brain had swelling. They expect surgery is coming but they want to try and see if the can get the swelling controlled through medications. As long as she doesn't have any major issues we go back in a month for another MRI. If the swelling is still there we will schedule the surgery then. The picture above shows her brain the small white dot in the left center is the tumor it is about twice that size now. When they showed the swelling it basically covered the whole left side. The smaller tumor is not seen on this view. I wish I would have taken a picture this time but didn't think of it.

Breast Cancer Awareness

Tis that month again. I am sure you already aware of it due to all the food companies having the pink ribbons on their products. I just want everyone to tell your loved ones to get regular check ups or self examinations. We used to be of the mind set it won't happen to us not now anyway Paula is to young. Well it did happen. If someone you love has any major changes or lumps get checked out. Please. Also when purchasing items at the store and you decide to buy something based on the ribbon make sure they are donating to legitimate charity. We have found over the past few years that many companies do donate but it is to charities that don't help with the research or funding other programs. Cancer hits everyone in one way or another. Help yourself by doing everything you can to keep your self cancer free.

Special Month

As we come up into October I find myself always reflecting on the month and the past x amount of years. See it is my anniversary with Paula not only is it our wedding anniversary but it really is the month we started getting serious and I knew then that I was going to marry her. It just took some time to convince her I was right. Since then when I say something she knows I am right. :). No seriously I reflect and think how lucky I am to have in her my life even in our bad moments during college a lot of actions that I did or thought about doing were influenced by her and what she may think of me if I did those things. You can say even though we weren't talking for that short time she still had a hold on me and was able to keep me on the right path. The other day we were actually talking about the first place we met and what our impressions were. Come to find out little ole' shy me didn't make the first move, I thought she was a sophomore and I wasn't going to be associated with one of those. she started talking to me. I guess I just have a magnetism that she couldn't resist. In college I made a few mistakes and had to take care of those so I could serve a mission. During this time of repentance Paula was at my side again and she hasn't left. But I had an ex girlfriend from college that prior to getting my life together for my mission she would tell me she didn't want me to go and would try and keep from going even though it was something i wanted to do. While in my preparation to get on the mission Paula never once told me verbally that she didn't want me to go. She just always told me that I needed to do what I wanted and she would support me in that. I debated it for months and finally decided to go. she wouldn't promise me that she would wait and it took a lot of convincing for her to take a ring she still wasn't entirely convinced that I knew she was to be my wife. I think she finally figured that. She didn't want to make promises she couldn't keep. i returned home and we were married hahahaha I was right/ :)

Anyhow getting back to the why this is a special month. any one who has had a life changing event that puts stress on their marriage knows that the fact you have made it another year whether it was good or bad is another year down. October is special because that is one more year that I have had with her. One more year that my kids have had with her. Knowing that her cancer is terminal has changed my outlook on life and I have learned to cherish her. I find myself laying in bed next to her and I can't help but to touch her arm, face, stroke her face. I generally feel bad cause most of the time she is sleeping and I wake her up but I want to remember ever moment I can. she is my heart.

Recently I had some issues at work and needed to get some things worked out while getting these worked out she was supportive and never placed blame on me. she actually never even asked to hear the whole story. She just was there to help me. Which I think if she wasn't there for me I wouldn't have been able to get things worked out. When people say that so and so is their rock their foundation I don't think I ever really knew what they meant until I married Paula.

I am excited to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary and our 17 year together. coincidentally they are less than a week apart.

As for Paula and her health she is doing okay she isn't doing great but she is doing okay. She has moments of great days and bad days. she continues to get scans and tests to make sure no tumors are growing. I will keep everyone updated as they come.

RElay for Life

Well we did the relay for life this past weekend. They require a lot of preparation and with comes stress I was getting frustrated by the minute while getting things packed into the van. But once we got there it turned out to be fun and enjoyable that stress was gone and as I looked back on it it didn't seem all that bad. They had a lot of fun activities and such. The family had cumulative of 34 miles most of them walked by the two older girls. Their was both set up with beads and necklaces once you bought the necklaces the beads were free and you picked on up for each lap walked. Once I got the necklaces the kids really didn't want to stop walking.

They did a luminary ceremony and also a lap to remember everyone who has or is fighting the horrible disease, Paula chose to make this years relay in honor of her mom who died almost 10 years ago of multiple myloma. when she was diagnosed multiple myloma wasn't treatable, but in the time we have been dealing with her cancer we have found out that they are able to treat and extend life for that particular cancer. we have been amazed by these advancements which makes these fundraisers so important to us. With each year new developments are being made and new treatments discovered.

As the night progressed on they had events and music playing that was fun. They had a locks oflove ceremony and both of the older girls had gotten enough courage up to have their hair cut(both of them would have ear length hair after) but they were both about an short of the minimum length, they were both little bummed out but really didn't stop them participating in the other things, karaoke, cake walk, etc. They had fun.

During the first part of the night we had the part of our team that was scheduled to rotate with us through the night find out they were getting foster kids the next day and needed to get things ready for that so they wouldn't be there after 10 pm which left it up to our family to walk until about 6 am when they next walkers were to get their. When I first heard this I thought oh well we will walk until 1 or so and we would all go to bed. But this decision didn't sit right, and I was feeling horrible about making that decision. And then at about 11 I remembered a story Paula had told me about a friend of hers who is a cancer survivor as well, did it last year or the year before, the weather was bad and nasty and the organizers or some of the teams wanted to up and stop the event but Paula's friend said no cancer doesn't take a break because of bad weather and neither I am I and she continued to walk the rest of the night. Once I remembered this I knew what I needed to do and so I told Paula to go lay down and get some sleep at about midnight and I would wake her up around 3 am and then I would go and lay down(I had no intention of getting her up). So her and the kids all went and laid down and then about 1 am I walked by the camp site and saw Paula, Maddy and Nicki all up because of the music and loud campers around they weren't able to get to sleep (the older girls were a sleep when I went into the tents at about 12:30 so I know they got an hour or so. I gave Paula the cell phone headphones so she could plug her music in and go to sleep which she did and the older girls and I walked the night rotating out who was walking. They really enjoyed it and both seemed to love the idea that they were doing this for Grandma Ruth.

I realized something important about my kids dedication to their mom, they were willing to do what they can to help out and even go beyond what they think they can do. They would tell me during laps they were tired so I would tell them to go and lay down and get some sleep but they refused to and just kept walking. I am proud of all my kids for participating in this without complaints. Thank you to everyone who has supported us the last three years your support to us appreciated.