Mortality

Paula and I were having a great morning until one of Paula's support groups friends sends her a email informing her that one of the other ladies in the group has died from liver failure related to her cancer. What is the scary part is not more than three weeks ago when Paula talked to her last she was doing well and was excited to go home from a trial treatment and was excited. Let's back up alittle bit, she was diagnosed about the same time with almost identical cancer and tumors and all that medical mumbo jumbo stuff was near identical. She recieved her first treatment and was declared in remission. She went on several trips was getting back to normal life when she was diagnosed again with it in her brain cancer and in the liver, the same as the orginal cancer so that is what lead her to the trial treatments away from home. While getting this new treatment she felt good and when the time was to go home she was excited and feeling good this was Dec 4. We then get an email on Dec 22 saying she was admitted into the hospital and wehn Paula tried to call and get ahold of her she was notified today Dec 23 that she had passed away. This has forced us to face what really can happen and how fast it can happen. It has brought about the same feelings we had when Paula was first diagnosed, but it also makes us glad to have what we do and to appreciate things a little more. We had been gripping and moaning about all the stuff that goes with Christmas the parties, the chaos it had made all that come into perspective of who cares about this life is more important and the fact that we have it.

RIP Bridget

Thanksgiving statements

I know this is a little late but hey better late than never right. Well I got home from work on Thanksgiving day and came home to a wonderful dinner prepared by my wife. Which I was THANKFUL for. And we all sat down around the table and before I let the kids really start eating I asked everyone at the table what they were THANKFUL for, well the kids gave standard answers parents, food, outdoors, etc. I then asked Paula what she was thankful for and she took me off with her answer. She said she was THANKFUL for life. I guess even in the crap we have dealt with I have still taken her life for granted. But I am definitely THANKFUL for her life and the fact I have been given the chance to be with her. I do sit here and think about what would have happened if we lived in a different era when we didn't have the technology we have today what would I do, how would I deal with it. I am THANKFUL for my wife and the technology that has saved her life, I am THANKFUL for my kids who have been generally good during this and when there is a real issue of how good they really are. I am THANKFUL for my family and the things they do that make life good.

Follow up's

Well not a lot has happened or been happening lately, we are adjusting to normal life without the constant appointments. But with this normal life thing the anxiety of the appointments starts to act up again. We are getting ready to start the whole follow-up process. Paula has an appt on Tuesday not sure which one this but none the less she has to go up. I guess it is one step at a time jsut like before, hopefully with time the appt anxiety will slowly disappear.

Holy Crap

Well I figured I better jot down some thoughts tonight or I might forget later about it and not do it and then I would be get in trouble not with anyone but with myself. Tomorrow marks one of or perhaps the most important day of my life. I married Paula 10 years ago. Now anyone who can put up with me for that long deserves the Nobel Peace Price, well at least some sort of award.

Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but there always seems the ups always out numbe rthe downs. Well this being a "big" one I just wanted to let her know that I can be horrible to live with I have been doing it for 32 yrs +, and don't envy her but love her to death because she can and has been putting me up for so long.

Happy Anniversary Paula I love you.

A great week

Well this week started off as a normal Chemo Monday. I guess I shouldn't say normal, cause well it was the first day of school for the two older girls. But we went and got them off to school without any real incidents and almost made it back in time to get them picked up, luckily for us Paula's dad was helping us this week. Anyhow we went to chemo/doctor follow up appt. We got into Salt Lake a little late but not a big deal they have you show up 1/2 early to get labs and blood drawn and all sorts of crap before the appt. We get there and go in rather quickly maybe we shoudl be late more often, but we get in the room and the dr's PA comes in and checks Paula out and we mention the issue with the pharamcy chemo counts being different from the dr's count, she looks at it a finds that the when the pharmacy started there numbering they started on three instead of one, so the dr had ordered 13 of this drug and so when we hit 11 the pharmacy said your done but the dr's said no you aren't, so we told the PA well we will do whatever the dr says but it would be great if we could be done. A few minutes later the Dr Werner comes in with the PA and discusses this with us and then proceeds to tell us your done today is it. I was like what what did you say. It was great we have had such good doctors up there that have been real great, if anybody heaven forbid has to go through this or a loved one I recommend Huntsman by far we have had freinds who have gone to other places that when they talk they almost seem liuke they are just a patient, I don't think we feel like that overall we have had a few docs that have seemed like that, but everybody seems to remember you and everything about you I know they write it down so they don't forget but man does it help with the moral of a horrible situation. Well that was day one yeah no chemo just a small 15 min infusion we should be able to get done out here when we don't have followup appts.

Tuesday Paula went in for her exchange surgery I think is what it is called, this is where she gets her skin expanders(bricks) out and replace them with her implants(foobs). This day did not start out very good at all we got to hospital a little bit early about 1/2 an hour we get there and they tell us oh we called and left a message on your phone the doctor needed to rearrange his schedule your not supposed to be here for two more hrs. ok. So now we have two hrs to burn, what to what to do. nothing. we walked around for a whiel and then went back to the waiting room. they got us into the patient room about 1230 hrs and then about 1710 the anesetioligist(sp) came in and took her away. About 2 hrs later the doctor comes out and says everything went good and gave me the discharge instructions. an hour or so after that they let me go back with her. She at first wasn't feeling very good at and didn't want to move or do much of anything, don't blame her for a bit, but then the nurses came in and insisted they get her sitting up and eating something, so she moved to a chair and started eating crackers, a few minutes after that she was up moving around and ready to get out of there, so at about 2130 hrs my sister brought my two little ones up and off we went for home. She looked at them and didn't seem all that impressed but she did make the comment that her implants are "squishy" I may or may not let you all know whether or not I agree.

So all in all we had a great week this week. Thanks to everybodies prayers, supports and help however big or small you feel that it is, it still helps ton.

Thanks for the support

Well it has been a few weeks since my last post rather my last rant. Promise this one is going to be anything like that. But in case you are scared I guess you can stop reading now and never know if this another rant.

After the van broke down and we got the the $2,600 (really turned out to be $2,663) from the mechanic Paula and I decided that we would need to do something we had been talking about having a yard sale or some sort of benefit. We knew something would need to be done to help offset the costs of the medical bills so we decided on a yard sale. I started to get the word out that we were looking for stuff and through a yahoo group I belong to, work, family and friends we have a lot of stuff gathered up, we have one room in the house that is almost full of stuff and our carport is almost filled up. I have been surprised and at times almost overwhelmed at the response and support not just from friends and family but from total strangers who several of them were going to have their own little yard sale but when they heard about ours they wanted to instead give us the items they would have used. I think the other thing that has surprised me is the fact that most of the stuff we have received has been in really good shape. I have had to do a few repairs to a couple of items of for the most part everything is in really good shape.

I guess what I am getting at is that after such a terrible week a few weeks ago it has been nice to see that humanity isn't lost and there are still a lot of really good people who no matter there situation are willing to help someone else. I just want to tell everyone who has supported us in whatever manner and shape thank you. It has meant a lot to me know that I have that support that I need, even thought I knew it was there before it just brought it into a reality. I think this sort of thing is what is meant by reality check.

Thank you all.

Complaint Session

Sorry folks this is going to be a big complaint session for me so if you don't want to hear it I stronglyh suggest that you stop reading now. That means now not in a few lines. THOSE who DON'T want TO hear THIS stop READING now.


I have began to wonder how much crap one family is meant to take. Our problems started years ago but really started to get bad when our youngest was born just over three years ago. She was born and had some serious breathing problems. So bad that for about 1-2 hrs she was given CPR until the NICU team from Primary Childrens could get there and put her on a ventilator, she was on that for 10 days and oxygen for about a month after that crashing once while on oxygen but also recovering real well. A couple months later my son was sitting in Paula's lap and jerked backwards towards her head we thought at first that he was playing until you could see him trembling and shaking and turning blue it lasted about a minute give or take it seemed like forever for us, this was just the start of another wonderful medical issue siezure disorder, they tried to get medicated but the siezures just kept getting worse as the days/weeks went by it got so bad that he was two to three gran maul siezures a day so his Dr decided to hospitalize him until he got stable. He was in Primary Childrens for 7 days try keeping a 3 year old boy who is otherwise healthy in the room with not a whole hell of a lot to do. I spent the majority of the time by his side. After they finally got him stablized on his medications he has not had a visible siezure since. We went about a year after that until I broke my collar bone no big deal out 6 weeks and can't play Turkey bowl anymore Paula's rules. Then we have had minor things with the kids no really big things for another year or so when Paula was diagnosed and we have been dealing with that since. We have found over the last three years that problems seem to come up as soon as a medical bill is paid off, so we have vowed to leave a penny on our balance just so no more crap can't come up, we have also noticed that something usually comes up as soon as our savings account starts to get up. That brings me to the current frustration we have 1k in savings and feeling good about stuff this is actual savings that isn't involved with taxes, those went to medical bills, so I was feeling pretty good. Then the van goes screw your savings cough cough good night and the transmission breaks. from several people I have talked to it sounds as though the clutch inside is gone. Repair costs anywhere from $1,300-2,600 yeah that is what I said the value of the car is only worth 2400 in mint condition trust me after four kids running through it and many many trips they have pretty well trashed the inside so I would guess it is worth 1500 if I am lucky so it makes it hard. Ohwell $2600 into it and we have a good vehicle back rather than owe 20k ya know. Well i think that the worse thing about this is the fact that all this comes after good news for Paula, i just wonder why can't we enjoy this excitement and joy? I have had someone tell me that we are so blessed and it was all I could do not to laugh cause that is the farthest thing I can think of, yes we have been blessed with family and freinds who are real supportive but to tell me right after my van is towed away and knowing I am looking at a pretty hefty bill to get it back they say it. My feelings right now are not of blessings but of utter and complete contempt how much crap can my family take, I am done this crap I don;t want my family to keep getting this crap brought on them. i no longer look forward tot he end of one road for fear of what is coming next. Let me deal with this problem and only this problem. Hopefully those of you who have made it through this session will understand and those who didn't well good for them. This is my little vent place sometimes and hopefully it doesn't affect you in a negative manner.

Good news

This week has brought good news. Paula went to the Doctor for a heart scan, Dr's follow up appt and another round of chemotherapy. Well the day started out ehh for her cause her scan didn't come out as good as it has but was still considered in the good range so they are going to watch it a little bit closer. She then went to see the Dr Werner an awesome cancer doctor at Huntsman and Dr Werner told us she was going to let up on the treatment because she is doing so well and that the treatment has been so successful. She said even though she is still considered a stage 4 she isn't going to treat her that way anymore. That is some of the best news we have had all year. So in celebration of this we are going to have a party when she is done(almost done) with chemo. Yeah happy days are here again. Just want to say thanks to everyone who has helped supported and prayed for her. WOud love to name everybody individually but there are way to many. Thank you all. And remember to do your self exams and tell your loved ones to you just never know.

vacation

We just got back from vacation in St George. Paula has a freind that had extra time on their time share so they put us up in a condo for 4 days 3 nights. On the way down we stopped at Cove Fort the kids had fun and seemed to learn a little bit. We got to St George and relaxed that night. We got up Friday morning and went to Zion National Park. The kids had a ball there, we went on several hikes. I think the kids really liked weeping rock and had fun there. We were going to go to The Emarald Pools but they don't let you swim in them anymore so we took the Narrows riverwalk and let the kids play in the water there they also got to play in the creek at weeping rock. They all did pretty good on these moderate and easy hikes. They really wanted to go to Angel's landing but well for obvious reason we didn't even start that one a few more years. We got back to the condo and went swimming. After Dinner we went downtown St George and went on a small tour of the Temple the kids seemed to be a little bored with that. On Saturday we planned to hit Zion again, but well we just weren't in the mood for it so we went around town went to the Wildlife museum. We were using the GPS to get around town and found that it is not the most accurate thing in the world our first real bad experience with it. It ended up taking us up and aroundtown instead of a direct route, I knew where the address was but thought hmm the GPS must know it is on this side of the hill, so I followed it, oh well we saw a part of St George that we hadn't seen before. After the little GPS detour we ate lunch and went to the Tabernacle for a little tour there. The Historic district downtown has a water play area with small creek that runs through it and fountains that spout so they can run through it, we didn't know that was there and so the kids got to play in it fully dressed they didn't care they had a blast and were soaked. We went back to the condo and went swimming. On the way home Sunday we went on the scenic way home and went through Zion tunnel, and then up highway 89 to i-70 and then home. Alot of awesome views going that route, the kids got to see a lot of fun stuff. On the way into Tooele I asked the kids what was the funnest thing on vacation they all said swimming. No more vacations for us we just have to take them swimming. I think Paula and I enjoyed this vacation cause we didn't stick ourselves to any time frame so we just had fun and didn't really care if we got everything done we wanted to. We just did what we wanted and had fun.

Slumber Parties are they worth it?

Well this a was a busy week of birthday's. On the 19th was Callie's birthday and then on the 23rd was Maddy's. Not to exclude Father's Day. We decided a few weeks ago that we were going to let Maddy have a slumber party, when we first discussed we thought we will let her invite maybe 6-7 girls, but she changed our minds for us when she invited all but two girls from her softball team. So we decided that if she is inviting that many we might as well invite the entire team plus a couple of other freinds and family, we had the potential of having up to 14 8-9 year old girls. Can I say I was scared to death and began to hope I got called into work, no such luck though. Friday came and the weather was bad so the pool party was over so we began to scramble to try and figure out how to entertain the girls so we started figuring out games and such to play. the time arrived and we had 3 girls show up so Paula decided to take them bowling which I guess they had an absolute ball. We had one girl we couldn't stay the night but mom let her stay until she was tired which was about 11:00 pm. We played games did a pinata, which I don;t know if I will ever do again, to many kids trying to get the candy while the hitter is still swinging. We also had the family party friday night. The girls had fun and were real hyper at about 11:00 or so when i took the other girl home we put a movie in and told them it was time to calm down 3 hrs later they finally went to sleep. Overall it was stressful for mom and dad just because of the extra kids but ya know it was it worth it. Yes it was Maddy had a ball, will I do it again probably just because of how much fun she had I know Nikki will have the same amount of fun when it is her turn.

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Watching

Not alot has happened the last week I know I said that on the last post but hey I'm serious this time. I did have kind of a nice moment last night I woke up at about 4 am this morning and was laying in bed and looked over and saw Paula laying there asleep. And my fiurst thought was man she's beautiful and as I was watching her the lights were just light enough and seemed to be shining on her and I thought she is an angel and then I realized she was my angel and always will be. This lasted a few minutes until she moved. What is great is I will always have that memory and image in my mind.

Not alot this week

With trying to keep a weekly update I have found that this week has been relatively uneventful, so this shouldn't be to long. The only thing I can think of today was the fact we had my sons t-ball game on Tuesday, no before I start let me explain that I understand that they are still little kids and getting them to "play" is going to be difficult, but I also believe that the coaches should be in control of their team and this was not the case on Tuesday. We got there a few minutes late and so the team was out in the field which was fine the other team hit through their line-up and our team went to hit, well this is the first problem, each boy is a different height and should have the tee adjusted for such the coaches don't do that so the boys are swinging either high or low depending on how tall they are, I haven't understood why they aren't adjusting the height, I don't say anything because I already have to restrain myself from saying something due to my competitative behavior, which if you really know me isn't that much. Right. :) So I try and stay on the side lines and let the "coaches" do their job. the second thing that got me a little ruffled is during play the catcher was distracted my mom who came around the back stop and kept telling her to look her way so she could get a picture, the first time I shrugged it off as a parent not realizing the ball was in play. Well mom decides the picture must not be good enough so she does it a second time, I know the coaches see her but don't say anything. I know they see her cause the first baseman throws the ball to home plate and comes within 6 inches of hitting the camera from her hand, which would have been justice by itself and would have been awfully funny. Then I am watching the other team(s) and find that they know which base is what and when the coach says run to this base they know where to go, my sons team they wait until someone points to the base. It is these little things that have caused me to be upset and consider to pull my son from the team for this year and get him on a team with a coach I know. I understand alot of this is going to be me teaching him, which I do we play catch and even have a little system to help him practice throwing which I have brought up to several college level and higher baseball players and they think it is good. And for those of you who say if you don't like it then why don't you coach and all I can say is I can't I would be to hard on the kids and more than likely by the end of the season they wouldn't be having fun and I do realize that is more important than anything else.

There goes my short blog for the week, but I do feel better about things.

Proud daddy

Well today was Maddy and Nicki's third softball game they also had pictures. Yes I got them ready but no I didn't have to curl any hair or put make up thank goodness. But we show up and they are running around not really paying attention to much of anything including there coaches I was thinking oh man I just wasted another $100 bucks to put them into something they enjoyed for all of a week maybe two. So I sit in my chair as they head out on to the field to warm up, well as much as you can warm up a 7 and 8 year old. Well Maddy who I haven't seen hit gets up to bat in the first inning, thinking this was a fluke I tell her good job and sit back down. well that inning ends and they take the field nothing really gets hit towards either one of the girls but both girls were in the ready position for most of the inning hands on knees bent over waiting for the ball to be hit. well second inning comes around and Nik gets to the batters box and is waiting well the little girl in front strikes out. So they take the field again, this time both girls have an opportunity to get some action but weren't able to handle the play or it was just out of reach. any how inning ends and Nik is the first up to bat and she strikes out but instead of being upset about it she comes to the dugout which I am sitting right behind and wants her traditional high five I give it to her and tell her she did good, I also told her I could tell she wasn't watching the ball and that she can hit if she hits. That inning ended and well the next inning the girls both played a ball sorta Nik deflected an infield ball to second base and Maddy slowed a ball in the outfield. They did good. The next at bat the regular picture showed up he coaches multiple teams and had to go coach his sons game, he shows up at the beginning of the inning and what an inning that was. Both girls got base hits and were driven home. I think the team could have scored many more runs but they have a 5 run per inning rule and so when the girls hit 5 runs they just send everyone around the bases. Just watching them they seem to really have taken a liken to softball. I am not sure where it comes from but they seem to love it so much they have talked about quiting dance which surprises the heck out of me. But a decision I will leave up to them. Just seeing there faces when they hit the ball or catch a ball says it all to me and makes it worth it, I just hope they continue to enjoy playing. They made there daddy proud.

Holy Crap!!!

Where in the world does my oldest daughter get the idea that she can run away just because mom isn't letting her do what she wanted. Today Maddy had a softball game she has started to love playing it. Well because the weather was a little chilly Paula wanted the girls to wear long sleeve shirts and to have something under thier shorts so they don't get cold and so if they slide they don't get road rash. Maddy decided she didn't want to do that and wasn't going to wear the extra clothing and continued to argue with Paula about it, Paula finally got fed up with the fighting and told her she wasn't going to go to the game, Maddy then stated I am going to the game one way or the other, and she with her little brother helping her decide it would be a good idea to open the window and climb out and head to the game. I will give her some credit she got to the front of the house and turned around and climbed back in, this is when Paula caught her. How does an eight year old girl make these decisions and where does she get the ideas. Once I found out about it, I told Paula to bring her to the jail where I could talk with her. I showed her the jail a little bit and told her a small room we have with no desk, toilet, stool, nothing but a hole in the ground was where little kids went when they runaway. I then made her go to my office and write sentences for about an hour. I hope she realized that this behavior was bad and that it scares her parents. She seemed seems pretty scared after going through the jail. Any ideas for an actual punishment I could use them.

Mom's

Well I was sitting there today contemplating about my mom, my wife, and other mothers and all the awesome stuff they do, I thought mom's rock.

I first thought about how I grew up and the wonderful and great things my taught me as I got older. I remember growing up and thinking why are you making me do this or that I don't do that that is mom chores or I won;t need to do that till later. Boy how our mothers were so knowledgeable and knew exactly what we needed to be successful in life. I also had time to reflect on the fact that I have been very lucky to have my mom, and have had her for so many years. With the issues we have had over the past year and have seen to many mom's in bad shape. I can't imagine what life would be or how it would be not to have my mom. My mom is the foundation of my family she was always there taking care of all the small stupid stuff of life that no one wants to deal with, she did them. I never really remember her complaining about much of anything the only thing I really remember her complaining about is when we as kids wouldn't listen and do our chores. My mom rocks and hope she realizes how much she rocks.

Now my wife, as you all know now my wife was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer June 19,2008. we have been dealing with treatments and other fun medical crap. But yesterday we had a great experience in walking in the Race for the Cure. We also learned we have a lot of awesome friends and family who have supported us. But while there I was able to all those women in pink shirts, the sanctioned ones, all those survivors and think you know breast cancer research and treatment has gone along way in the past few years. I saw these women with short or bald hair and those women are so strong. Then I see the women who are standing with the signs and under the signs and see many women who have survived for upwards of 15+ years and I think wow if they can do that without the little bit of knowledge they had then and what they have now then we can do it. I was able to realize that my wife's doctor is right we are going to have her for a very long time, yes we will always have to worry about this awful disease, but with all these wonderful events and research they will find a cure, or at least be able to treat it so it isn't as bad. I am grateful for my wife and all the crap she puts up, basically me, I love her to death and love the way she handles the kids, I have stayed home many days just me and the kids and really don't understand how she keeps her sanity cause usually by the time she is home I am ready to run away and hide, she does this day in and day out. She is an awesome mom and want to understand how awesome she is. She is our families glue, she keeps everything so that sticks together.

Mom's whether they are my mom, or my wife, or your mom they are the hero's behind life and without them things would surely fall apart.

Thank you MOMS you all rock.

Race for the Cure

Before last year I believed major fund raisers like this and other dieseses and illness were all good and had great intentions. I would donate to freinds because I did and do want something to be discovered it just had never hit home until this last year. It has been amazing to me the support we recieved this year and the many people who wish to support but haven't been able.

I have found myself getting excited to get this going and have found myself going a little more aggresive than I have in past things. breast cancer has become a passion for me, I have relized and seen the hurt, happiness, unity, and other emotions that it brings to families. This is not just in our lives in fact I think I have learned more from oither people watching them how the deal with things and how they get through their trials then are own. I have also realized that there are hundreds of people who have worse situtations than what I can imagine to be in my life. We have gone into Huntsman and we see famalies that are having to bring the kids and babies in because they don;t have the support base of family and freinds who are there and willing to help. I used to beleive that everyone had someone they could rely on but I have seen dozens of people who have to get treatments and are doing it by themselfs. It has amazed me over the last few months of freinds and family I haven't seen or heard from for years that have seemed more than willing to drop everything and come and help if we needed. when people say health issues bring families and freinds out it is true.

The basis of this post is just to say THANK YOU to everyone for the support and love they have shown no matter how big or small it may be it is still needed.

THANK YOU.

Awesome story

I was reading through email's my father in law sent. He usually sends humous off the wall jokes so when I got this intitled little boy sings to sister I thought this is probably pretty good cause I can see my Little man sing to his sisters but I am not sure what he would sing since he is in the stage of life that anythign to do with pooh is funny. So i read the story and well here is a copy of it. grab a tissue and enjoy.

Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling.

They found out that the new baby was going be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in mommy's tummy.

He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her.

The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown , Tennessee


In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor.

Would a C-section be required? Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born. But she was in very serious condition.

With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatrician had to tell the parents there is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst.

Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral. Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister. I want to sing to her, he kept saying.

Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over. Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. Karen decided to take Michael whether they liked it or not.

If he didn't see his sister right then, he may never see her alive. She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket.


The head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed, 'Get that kid out of here now. No children are allowed...' The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. 'He is not leaving until he sings to his sister' she stated.

Then Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside.
He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live.
After a moment, he began to sing.
In the pure-hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang:

'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are gray.'
Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond.
The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady.

'Keep on singing, Michael,' encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes.

'You never know, dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.'
As Michael sang to his sister, the baby's ragged,

strained breathing became as smooth as a kitten's purr
'Keep on singing, sweetheart.'


'The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms' Michael's little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her.

'Keep on singing, Michael.'
Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse.
Karen glowed.

'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't take my sunshine away.'

The next day...the very next day. the little girl was well enough to go home

Woman's Day Magazine called it The Miracle of a Brother's Song. The medical staff just called it a miracle.
Karen called it a miracle of God's love.

I thought this was such an awesome story I wanted to share it with everone. Any Parent who has been faced with their little tiny baby on the verge of death understands the fear and emptiness. The fact other little ones may never see or get to know the new baby is such a reality you just don't know what to do. This story brings back those scary memories and feeling and then I remember seeing faces of my other children when they got to see Callie. I guess all I can say is this story is AWESOME.

good week

This was a fairly good week this week. Paula finished her daily radation treatment on Tuesday and so it was nice to be off with her and the kids for a couple of days. The only bad thing last week was that I had to postpone planting my garden. I got all the ground plants in radishes, beets, carrots, etc. i was also able to get my corn planted if everything turns out and grows we are going to have a lot of corn. I guess we just have to wait on see.

On Saturday Paula went to this food co-op where you we get home grown food and vegetables for a fairly cheap price generally really cheap. But while Paula was there, I guess the kids were playing with some other kids while waiting. One of the other kids started hitting Tommy D with a little flex hand type thing and and Callie decided that was mean so she started to yell at the other kid stop hitting my brother, she put her arm around him and started to comfort him, he wasn't hurt he probably was getting a kick out of it. but was so concerned with him. As they walked away she turned around and yelled "your a meanie."

Negative Perspective

It has occured to me that over the last couple of weeks I have started to fall into a negative personality. I apoligize to anyone at this time that I have made feel sad or negative as well. I am realizing that this is not what I want cause I am finding myself angry and the smallest of things. I know this isn't what is neseccary in my life. So I again I apoligize that if I have said anything that was wrong or upsetting I am truly sorry.

On a higher note Paula is doing good with all of her treatments and she only has two regular radation treatments on her breast and then one 4 hr session on her back and then we wait for a while to get all the tests redone to see if she is in full remission or not. During that waiting time she will continue to get the light treatment of chemotherapy ever three weeks. She has been able to get a grant sponsored retreat to Park City for the weekend and seems to have made some connections with people who are in the same sitituation as she is. I haven't seen her since she left but just talking to her on the phone it seems to have made her realize there are people to talk to, which if she uses it like I think this group was set up for I think she will be much better cause she will have someone to really talk to someone going through the same thing.

To quiet

I am sitting here this afternoon trying to think of what to do before I go to bed, usually the night consists of me getting home eating dinner then fighting with the kids to get their chores done before bed. Well this weekend Paula took the kids to her dad's so I have had the house to myself. Which has been nice cause the stress level for fightin with them is gone and last night was really good but tonight well it is just to quiet. To quiet for me. I guess I will close with that, and listen to well nothing.

School

Well this week has been relatively uneventful, Paula's radation is coming on and she had her another dose of chemo on Monday but seems to be doing well from both of them. The only thing is they are doing more tests to make sure the cancer hasn't spread any further. Hopefully they come back good which I am sure they will.

The big decision of this week is to go back to school or not, when Paula was diagnosed last year I had just registered for my second consecutive year at the USU extension, but I put that on hold due to the fact we didn't how long her treatments were going to be, so I asked for a year long leave of abscene, well that ends next semester so they sent a letter saying I needed to register to keep my status. I had to decide if I should go back or if I should just stay they way we are, well I decided to see if I could extend my leave another year without having to reregister and all that crap. Luckily I think I got an understanding counsler when I wrote them cause she stated here is the link to get another year, don;t worry about I will remember who you are and make sure you gfet the extra year. I am hoping to be back to school by spring semester of 2010. I guess in my line of work I have grown to always expect the worse from people but over the last year I have began to learn that most people are good people and just need to be told and they will be willing to help. I guess just because I have been out school doesn't mean I can't learn from school.

Great appreciation

As we started on Paula's third week of radation yeah about half way. I have began to realize how hard single parenthood is and I am not even doing it all myself I still get a lot of help from Paula. anyway back on point I have found that it can be overwhelming and overbearing at points trying to work a full time job, do all the house chores and and all the outside chores, etc. Your day starts early and doesn't end until the late hours, and a lot of the time you don;t have a lot of time in between to rest. I know before this all started I took advantage of Paula and all that she does around the house, I still find I take advantage of her when she home but I have also gwon to really appreciate what she does do. I have also talked with a freind that she and I were talking and it was amazing to me that she was able to work a full time job, and still raise and be a part of her two kids lives. I couldn't imagine doing that for more than a few weeks. it is just simply amazing what people can do when they need to.

Softball/ t-ball lessons

We recently signed all the kids up for either softball and or t-ball. So I have been taking them outside trying to teach them how to throw catch and hit. They all seem to have got hitting down sort of, my girls can hit about 20% of all free pitch and have figured out if they hit coming up they get the ball to go farther. I think the biggest thing I have found is that a five year old is mych harder to teach than my older girls. Trying to show them and help them throw better I developed a little 4 step guide to walk through well when I first showed them they did really good and seemed to be getting it down and was even stepping into the throws. And the next day we went out to throw somemore and he decided that sidearming was funner and funnier cause it would make him spin round in circles and then fall, he seems to think that is the funniest thing ever cause I can't get him to throw any different. It was amazing the level of understanding just a couple of years makes between each child. I guess they will get it eventually without to many bruises.

Why???

I am sitting here listening to my kids supposed to be cleaning. I told them last night when they got home to get there Saturday's chores done so we could have fun today and not have to worry about anything. Well in the process of this "cleaning" they decided that it would be fun to write all over each shirt's and ruin the clothes so they got in trouble, most people when they get in trouble change their behavior and get things done not mine. they didn't so they got sent to bed early. When they got up this morning at 7:30 they went and got breakfast and then were told they needed to get the chores done well it is almost one and they still haven't got it done yet. Why is that kids listen so well at school, according to teachers anyways, but they are completely the opposite at home? I have found this action to be baffling enough so that I have tried several different tactics to avoid this but to avail. I guess kids are kids and that is all there is to it.

Callie

Hey i am almost done with my kids storues and who they are. I am not sure what I am going to write after this but I guess that is at least another week away.

Callie came into this world and caused us a lot of heart ache and fear. It was the first real thing our marriage and family had to deal with. The doctor was a little worried about inducing Paula but they couldn't find a strong heart beat and so he had her admitted to the hospital. Well while we were there the nurses started getting all the equipment placed in the room, but while they were doing that one of the nurses fainted, this should have been a omen of things to come. Well after a few hours they finally started to come. Paula delivered her without to many issues but she had swallowed some maconium and stopped breathing on her own. That was one of the hardest thing is to watch the nurses wheel your baby out of the room. I followed the nurses to see what was going on with her and saw them begin CPR on her, air bag and all. They were able to keep her heart beating long enough to keep her alive. They had called for air med NICU team to come but they were already out on a call so they ended up sending Gold Cross NICU team out which is the same teams just by ground and they brought out the ventilator, hooked her up to everything. After they got her in the incubator and hooked up to everything she was some what stable. They then brought her in to see Paula before they took her to Primary Children's. They let her hold her hand and then I followed the ambulance to Primary's. They took me up with Callie and refered to her as baby Humphrey, after a few hours of that I finally got mad and told everyone that her name was Callie not baby humphrey. The doctors would never get our hopes to high they would just tell us that she is doing good or she isn't doing as well. But after about week on the ventilator they started to give us a good reports that she would be removed from the ventilator and should be fine. Day 11 came and she was removed from the ventilator, it would take another month for her to be removed from the oxygen. She is our little miracle and our little pain in the butt, She is stubborn and dramatic all at the same time, but she is great overall. Her lungs have recovered and boy does she use them.

Tommy D

Back to talking about the kids.

Tommy D is the only boy of an only boy of an only boy. Yeah that means there are a whole lot of women in his life. Tommy D was born on March 3, 2004 I tried to convince Paula to try and wait to have him until April 4, 2004 but she wouldn't have anything to do with it. I was excited when we found out we were having boy. I was going to turn him into my little sports machine. He was and has a been a relatively healthy baby. The only real issue we have had with him is siezure disorder. When he was 2 1/2 he began having severe siezures. It got so bad that he ended up getting hospitalized to get the siezures under control. Once his body was "loaded" with phenobarbital he began to have less frequent siezures, he was also placed on a medication called topamax, after about a year of no visible siezures the neurologist began to taper him off the phenobarbital which we were glad for, cause it caused him to go into pretty heavy depressions. It is the sadest thing when your three year old tells you that he is sorry cause he can't do anything write. He has gotten past that and we get the occasional depression, but this is more of he just is sad and needs to be held or cuddled with, so as long as we give him a little attention he is ok. Well he turns five in about a week or so and he is so excited. He is hoiping for more train stuff, he loves trains but little does he know he isn't getting more train stuff. I don;t think we have room in the house for more train stuff. He has turned into a little engineer and is great when he comes up with a new idea he gets so excited and then tries to make it happen, doesn'talways work but he goes and moves a few thigns around and gets it close to what he wanted. I have to tell you about a story that happened right after christmas we had his train stuff out and he was making one and all the sudden he came up with an idea but when he told Paula and I about it he said I have a wicked idea. He had just got the new central station which has a loading terrace well his wicked idea was to go up and over the terrace as well as through it and under it. So off he set, this one required some help so I helped him make things work. But he did most of the footprint for it. He was so excited to get it done and watch it work. Hopefully this picture copies over so that you can see his wicked idea.

What to write today?

For the last two weeks I have profiled my two oldest girls. I will profile my other children i just am not sure I will continue it this week. Well I know for sure I am not going to continue it this week. I am going to talk about my wife how we met mushy stuff like that.

Paula and I met in 1993 yeah that is a long time ago, we dated in high school and then went to college, right before we went to college I told her that I was going to marry her and she freaked out. We broke up cause it scared her so bad and she independant and didn't anyone else. That only lasted about a year maybe. We both had dated other people but had not been lucky with our choices they all didn't seem to be the right person. Well during this time I started to go on my mission but was removed from the MTC, I came home from that and I had a decision to make whether to go back or not. At this point I wasn't even sure what I was going to do. But after a couple of months of being home Paula and I got back together. We discussed what should be done, but deep down I knew that I would need to go back just to show that I could do it. So my with my decision made I went back in Aug 97 and came home in well the very end of July it was either July or September. I came home July 28, 1999 Paula and I were married Oct 15, 1999 not long to get reacquainted. I don;t think we needed it, yes we both had changed but the love was still there.

We have been married for 10 years this year and they have been some of the greatest years I have had, we have had trials from almost losing our house to what we are dealing with now with her cancer. It has been tough for us to realize the vast nature of what this really is. We are fighting odds, for the first time in our relationship we have had to face the fact that we don't know if we will be together in five year 10 years we don;t know how long we have. It is one of those things that you realize what things really mean to you. I love my wife I have tried to look down into the future and I can't see my life with out her she has been my best friend for 15 years or so, sorry Keith your a close second just missed it.

Don't take this as a give up letter or anything I am still going to do everything in my power to keep her here, and I know she is the same way it is just one of those things that sometimes you just have to say to make you(me) feel better get it out in the open. I know she will be around for a long awhile, a priesthood blessing has said so, unfortunately the blessing didn't specify whether it would be in this life or not. I have hope that is in this life but I am scared to death of the the other possibilities. Paula is my life, she has brought my four little joys into this life and she is going to be around to help with raising them.

I can;t think of much more to put than Paula I love you and will always be here for you, whether your bald or not, I love you with all my heart.

Nicki

Nicole Marie was born on September 25, 2001. She was born in about 10 minutes from arriving at the hospital. I had just finished working a swing shift the night before and had to be back at work by 0545 hrs. So i got home at about 2300 hrs and had to be up and gone by 0445 hrs. No sleep I had gotten home at 1430-1500 hrs and Paula had told me that she was having some pain, so we went to the Dr's office and he checked her and told her she was dilated to a four and 100% efaced, but decided to send us home anyway. So we went home and I went back to sleep cause I think I was supposed to work again in the morning. After a couple of hours I got up and went out to the living room to see Paula in pain hunched over the chairs. She told me she had called the dr's office to see what to do, we waited and waited for the dr to call back and he hadn't. So she called again and we waited about another 30 minutes and called again this time the receptionist said if you are doing that bad you probably should head in. At this time the hospital was only about 3 blocks from our house so we dropped Maddy off at a neighbors house, and drove to the hospital. I got there and went in and had the ER nurse help get Paula into a wheelchair and asked her to wheel her down to Labor and Delivery. Which she was more than happy to do. I checked Paula into the hospital which was easy cause she had already preregistered, I signed the paperwork and headed maybe the 150 ft to L&D. By the time I got there I could hear Paula screaming in the bathroom that she could feel the baby. So I hollered at the nurses station that we needed help, the poor CNA came running in and saw what was going on and she yelled to the nurse get in here now, the nurse showed up like yeah ok whatever. But when she walked in and opened the door she saw paula on the bed and went from like whatever mode to holy crap we are having a baby. She hollered instructions to who ever else was out in the nurses station and was scrambling to get her gloves on. which she barely did. So here I am trying to do what I can to help. and bam she was born healthy as ever. As a side note the doctor lost his rights to work at our hospital due to complaints including ours, but mainly cause he was caught DUI just outside the hospital, from the location of where he was and where he lived it was assumed he was on is way to the hospital, but he was just far enough away that it couldn't be proven so unfortunately he didn't lose his license.

Back to Nicki, after she was born she was a healthy baby in fact she has been our healthiest child, she has had a few asthma attacks but has seemed to outgrow them. She loves to play sports, monkey bars, dancing, and draw, boy does she like to draw. She is the most outgoing of my children she always seems to try and help her freinds out whenever she can. Just a small story from just this week. Her schools gives out what are called GROWL tickets and they can get small trinkets for getting them it is for stuff like respect helping other, being responsibler and such. Well she and a freind recived one and so they went got their rings and her freind lost hers out on the playground somewhere and they couldn't find. Nicki felt so bad that she gave her her ring so she would have one. That is the sort of thing she is always doing with freinds and nieghbors, she can be such a sweetheart.

I think that is Nicki in a nutshell.

Maddy

I decided that for the next four posts I am going to talk about my children, so I will start with the oldest Madalynn.

Madalynn was born nine months after we got married yes she was a honeymoon baby. she was born one hour and seventeen minutes after my birthday. Paula and I had gone down to our doctor in Orem on June 22 for a normal check-up and on the way down Paula was joking maybe we will have the baby on your birthday, we just laughed about it and headed down. We got there at about 3:00 or 3:30 for the appt we got into the exam room and the doctor does his thing and looks at us half falling asleep, he always seemed to be falling asleep. I guess that is a good sign for an ob/gyn when they are falling asleep cause they are so busy and commited(he always seemed to remember who we were and about us). Any how when we was done with the exam he looks at us and says are you ready to have a baby, we looked at each other and laughed a little bit thinking he was joking with us. Finally Paula said "Yeah" He told us to go down to the hospital and get checked in, at this point I think we both thought he was joking. He then told us she was dialated to 4 cm, to me that meant nothing, but Paula seemed to understand. So we went down got checked in and called family and freinds to let them know. The hospital encouraged us to move around and try induce the labor a little bit more. Paula then started to hurt alot and decided she needed to lay down I think this was about 09:30 or 10:00 so we went in and got her layed down and by this time family and freinds were starting to show up. at about midnight or so Paula finally told her family to leave they were the only ones there and I don't know if they getting on her nerves or if she just wanted to be left alone. After about another hour or so she had the baby.

Maddy was a pretty good baby even though she screamed alot. She was healthy and doing good until she was about six months old when she got rodavirus(?) when we first took her in they misdiagnosed her and gave her a medicine that almost killed her. By the time we got her back to the hospital she was so dehydrated that she couldn't get tears when she cried. Well they figured out the screwed up and got IV's in her and got her hydrated and after two days she was released to come home. and hse has been healthy since.

The good thing about Maddy is she is a very intelligent girl, the bad thing about Maddy is she a very intelligent girl. She figured out at a young agwe how to get around some rules and get what she wanted. When she turned eight we talked about baptism and what it meant and that stuff and were starting to get her ready for the baptism but due to Paula's recent diagnosis we asked her ifshe would be upset if we waited to get her baptized for a few months. In about October or November we started talking about her getting baptized again. After explaining to her about it we asked her if she thought she was ready to get baptized or not, and at that point she told us no I don;t think I am ready. Which made me so proud because she was realizing the importance of the promises she was going to be making. after about another month we asked her again and she stated she wasn't sure yet, sio I asked her why she said cause I still lie. see where the maddy is very intelligent she learned at a young age that if she doesn't tell us all the story or admit to doing wrong she wouldn't get in as much trouble I then explained that as long as she was trying she would be ok. So she said ok that maybe she was ready. So we got an appt with the Bishop and she had her interview, but before going into the interview she was still alittle unsure about it. Well during her interview the bishop explained things better or she just understood but she came out and had the biggest grin on her face. She was Baptized on Dec 13 after making her own decision about uit. I couldn't have been prouder of her at this point cause she thought about it and figured that this was an important thing on her own.

Well i think those are the big things about her but give you a few fun facts about. She is in the third grade and loves school just not turning in her work, she must get that from Paula cause we all know I am the perfect student. :) But she loves the dance class she is in and is always excited to go to it. She loves to sing singstar pop. She loves being the mom to her younger siblings when Paula isn't feeling well and the mothering instinct shows alot in her. She especially loves watching her baby sister and lugging her around the house like a little doll. This pretty much sums up Maddy.

First update

Well this is the first time I have Blogged. This is just to give those who know me updates of life and such. This is first one will be long and maybe the last depending on the response I get it from it.

Paula and I have been dealing with her cancer treatments fior about 6 months and still have at least that long if not more left. She has succefully had surgery and they got clean margins from the breast so we really only have to worry about the spine tumor. For those who do not know about this she was diagnosed on June 19th, 2008 with stage 4 mestatic breast cancer and well as they say the rest is history. She has handled the chemotherapy very well and only has lighter chemicals.

The kids are great and help out all the time, they know what is needed and usually do it without to much of an arguement.

I will try and update this blog on a weekly basis, if I can do fantasy sports regularly then I guess I should be able to update this but hey we'll see.